Suffocate
by l0velyfe
Summary: He suffocates me. But I love it. /RenIchi/ Ichigo recalls his first time with Renji. /RATED M FOR LEMONNNN/


_Well, this is a random Renji/Ichigo drabble that includes a lovely lemon and some figurative writing. I wrote it in like fifteen minutes. O_o. Enjoy =)_

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**Suffocate**

_Written by Illuminate the Shadows_

**_Word Count: 3,554_**

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I was suffocating.

Every day when I didn't see him, I felt lifeless.

I had to be going insane.

He was like a drug, of which I had to get my fix, or I was useless the next few days. My life had become dependent on seeing him. I felt empty when I wasn't with him, as if I had left part of me within his heart, so that when he left, part of me was gone.

He made me drunk with desire. Every time he would spend the night, I would lose myself in an ocean of euphoria that was strong enough to completely erase any fears or worries I had of any part of my life. There was nothing but him. Nothing but he and I, becoming one.

I had learned the slopes of his body. The hard planes of his back and shoulders, where my nails would dig into his skin. The inked muscles of his chest; the tattoos I had traced over with fingertips and tongue. The largeness of his hands; rough from wielding his sword, yet soft on the pads of his fingers. Those hands fit perfectly on my hips. His long, vibrant hair would tickle my skin once I had freed it from its restricting tie. It would create a beautiful contrast against my skin, and fall in front of his light brown eyes when he looked up at me from my own abdomen. That look was enough to suffocate me on its own.

I would still feel his hands and tongue on my body once he had gone. Whether I be dreaming or lying awake in a bout of insomnia, I could still feel him there. Above me, within me. The constriction of my chest as tears traced down my cheeks suffocated me. I would miss him from the moment he left until I saw him again.

Our first time was engraved in my memory forever. Not only was it the first time we made love, but my first encounter with a man whatsoever. Until the red-headed man had graced my sight, I had never been attracted to another man. Until he had come along, I had believed myself to be only interested in women. That day he had appeared in my life, I knew everything was going to change.

It had been at my house – our first time. My dad had been at work again, running the graveyard shift for the fifth night in a row. Coincidentally, my sisters had been at a sleepover. We'd been in a relationship for quite awhile; four months. It was the longest I'd ever dated anyone. He'd told me multiple times that he liked to take things slow, and not jump right into a sexual relationship. He was sweet, caring, and affectionate – all for me.

I'd been sitting in my room, by myself, lonely and missing him, when he'd showed up. _"I'm here ta rescue you,"_ he'd said. With an overjoyed laugh, I'd jumped up and thrown my arms around his neck. His strong arms had wrapped around my slim waist in a tight embrace, and his nose buried itself in my hair. He'd told me how much he loved how I always smelt. _"Like strawberries,"_ he'd said. Strawberries were his favorite.

We'd settled down to watch a movie on my little television in my bedroom. The movie wasn't even a quarter over with before I'd turned my head to look at him. His eyes shifted to mine. My eyes had fluttered closed as he leaned down to caress my lips in a gentle kiss.

I hadn't meant to give myself to him that night. He hadn't meant to grip my hips when I'd moved to straddle his thighs, effectively developing the situation into a more passionate one. And I hadn't meant to yield my mouth to him, nor moan softly when his tongue explored the depths of my mouth, tangling erotically with mine.

Closing my eyes, I could nearly taste the lemonade on his tongue as I relived that night.

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"Ichigo… Damn, what's got you so riled up tonight…?" he murmured against my jaw, hands roaming my clothed body. With a little shudder, I nipped at his ear, emitting a soft, breathy groan from him. Firmly, he pushed me back, and I reluctantly obliged him.

"Renji, I…" Lowering my head and voice, I allowed my lips to brush his as I whispered completely uncharacteristic words. "I want your cock inside me."

I was rewarded with a stiffened spine, tightened grip on my hips, and a low growl emerging from the back of his throat. I knew he loved it when I acted different; he liked to think that he could bring out another side of me. A naughtier side. Usually I shied away from the inappropriate fantasy of his. But tonight, I would use it to my advantage.

Despite his obvious arousal, he remained calm and collected, gazing up at me evenly. His hands wandered absentmindedly up my sides, coming to rest just below my ribs.

"Ichigo, remember what I said…"

"I know what you said, Renji," I murmured, cutting him off. "But it's been almost four months since that day you grudgingly asked me to go to Kira's party with you." Smiling slightly at the memory, I raised a hand to touch one of his curved tattooed eyebrows, tracing my finger along the skin. "We both can't just deny our instincts like this."

"I just wanted ya to get used to being with a guy…"

Meeting his eyes, I smiled again, lowering my chin to lightly press my lips to his forehead. "I know you did. And I'm glad you're so patient… But I think I'm pretty damn used to it now."

I watched him bite his cheek as he studied me, contemplating my words. Finally, he spoke again, his voice husky. "Are you sure?"

Laughing softly at his undying concern, I nodded. "Yes Renji. I've never been so sure of anything in my life…"

Raising his head, he effectively silenced me with his lips, a hand coming to the back of my head as he kissed me. Our lips molded together perfectly, like they always had. I'd been made fun of for my poetic mind before, but I loved to think that we were like two puzzle pieces that fit together flawlessly. It was like second nature; like it was just meant to be. I had never wanted to fall in love with a man. It had just happened. And now that I had become so attached, there would never be anyone else.

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The memories were so vivid, like they had happened yesterday. He'd slowly undressed me, my body covered with an array of kisses the moment the clothes were removed. His lips were everywhere, his hands wandering over skin that was virgin to all but myself. Oversensitive, I had shuddered and arched at every little touch; every nibble. My flesh became flushed as the heat he created within in my body pumped vigorously through my veins.

I was suffocating.

But I had never felt so alive.

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My hands came to the hem of his shirt, and with one glance up at him, I pulled it over his head. It wasn't my first time seeing his tattoos; he often lounged around shirtless in Seireitei, or had his kimono ripped up in battle. But it was my first time touching them.

My fingers traced the unbidden patterns of the black ink that curved across his chest and along the firm muscles of his biceps. Mesmerized, I felt my body respond to the strength of the man before me, and the craving in my lower stomach intensified. When he gently pushed me off of him, I made a face in protest, but my disappointment was soon dismissed when he continued undressing before me. His pants were gone, along with his black briefs, and he stood naked at the foot of my bed.

He crawled onto the bed, his gaze feral, and trapped me between the mattress and his body. His lips found mine, but they soon descended to my neck, where he began his attack on my senses. Every little prick of teeth or flick of his tongue made my spine arch up into him and sent shivers through my body in waves. The heat of the moment was suffocating me, but there was no way I was going to let him stop now.

His mouth continued lower, where he found an especially sensitive place – my clavicle. I could no longer hold in the soft whimpers that escaped my lips so willingly as his hands roamed down my body, tracing the almost feminine curve of my hips. The sweet torture was obliterating any feelings of embarrassment or uncertainty I still clung to.

Raindrops tapped against the window as his fingertips traced down my length. Fearing a premature ejaculation, I whined his name pleadingly.

"R-Renji…!"

His eyes snapped up to mine, and he froze, able to detect the subtle difference between pleasure and a request to stop.

"Hm, Ichigo?"

Pushing myself up onto my elbows, I gazed down at him. "Please don't…"

His eyes were slightly mystified, but his lips returned to mine, placing a chaste kiss on my cheek once he had claimed my lips as his own once again. "Roll over, Ichi."

Gazing up at him, I hesitated only a few seconds before rolling over onto my belly. My trust in him was enough to overcome any fears I had now. The battle instinct in me – or perhaps it was my hollow – protested my faith in the redhead, but I ignored it pointedly as I surrendered my body to him willingly.

I wasn't prepared when those large hands gripped my hips and pulled them up. Holding myself up on my elbows and knees, I felt my face heat up at being so exposed to him. I had never experienced an encounter like this with another man, but I'd heard a lot of things, and even done some research on my own once I'd become involved with Renji. I knew how things worked between two men.

Although I trusted him with my body, I feared for a moment that he would penetrate me without any preparation. Just as I opened my mouth to say something, I felt something warm and wet against my entrance. Instead of his name, a wordless moan escaped my lips as his tongue traced the little puckered hole. The feeling was utterly amazing, and the position I was in only added to the kinkiness of the situation. His large hands spread my cheeks as he buried his face further, pushing his tongue past the ring of tight muscles. Likewise, I buried my face in the pillows to muffle my moans of ecstasy, although he was the only one around to hear them.

He pressed his tongue into me over and over, sometimes pulling back to swirl his tongue around my entrance or nip at my cheek with a little love bite. He gripped my ass tightly as he tormented me, and only ceased when I was nearly begging him to. My skin had taken on a slight sheen from his ministrations.

"You like that, huh?" he murmured, his voice deep as he leaned over me, his mouth near my ear. Unable to hold both my own and his weight, I sank to lie on the bed, nodding breathlessly. "You want more?"

Shuddering at the prospect, I nodded again, quickly. "Please, Renji…"

In one swift movement, he flipped me over and pulled me up to sit between his legs, my own calves resting on his thighs as I faced him. My lips were parted slightly to breathe as I met his eyes. The lust clouding them was obvious, and made the hairs on the back of my neck rise. That lust was for me…

His arms came around me to grip my ass and lift me onto his lap so my legs could wrap around his abdomen. Almost immediately, I felt his hard length against the underside of my thigh. His finger slipped closer to my entrance.

"Relax Ichi, or it'll hurt a bit…"

Drawing in a deep breath, I closed my eyes and willed my muscles to relax. His other hand wandered up to trace random patterns on my skin with his short nails, soothing me as he kissed my temple. Ever so slowly, his middle finger slipped into me, lubricated from his saliva. The feeling wasn't really painful, but not quite pleasurable either. His lips claimed mine as he pulled it out gradually.

Allowing me to get used to the feeling, he pushed his finger in a few more times before adding another alongside. It was a bit of a strain on me, and I buried my face in his shoulder as he stretched me carefully. Glad he was the one with experience, I tried to focus on his warmth and breathing instead of the discomfort.

When his fingers were gone from my body, I found myself whining in objection at the empty feeling it created. My heartbeat increasing its thumping against my ribs as I met his yearning eyes.

"It'll hurt at first, but I'll make it feel good soon. I promise."

Believing him, I nodded, swallowing the uncertainty. I felt his hand beneath me, and his tip brushed my cheek as he aligned it with my entrance. Confident his other hand would remain around my back to balance me, I lowered my hands to grip my cheeks and spread them to make it easier for him. Opening my eyes, I studied his expression. He gritted his teeth as I felt his soft head press inside of me. The feeling was indescribable, and much more pleasurable than I'd expected. I suspected that it was merely the idea of being penetrated rather than the actual penetration that aroused me so much. The rest of his head slipped into me, and I raised my hands to his shoulders to grip them tightly.

"Shit…"

Wanting to see his expression, I struggled to open my eyes. His own were shut tight, his mouth slightly ajar, and his face flushed as he pressed another inch or two into me. Shuddering at the bliss written on his face, I allowed my eyes to slip shut.

My spine arched to accommodate his large length and the strange mixture of pleasure and pain utterly confused my senses. I didn't know whether the tears in my eyes were from the pain, or the sheer reality of making love to the man I'd fallen head over heels for in the past few months.

A strained whimper fell from my lips as I felt him hilt, his tip buried somewhere deep inside me as his hips pressed against mine and I sat completely on his cock. The full feeling made me feel whole, despite the slight discomfort. Opening my eyes, I found him watching me, carefully remaining still so I could get used to the feeling. I found this level of self-restraint notably impressive, considering the fact that I was a virgin and he was obviously dying to move.

"You okay?"

Nodding, I leaned forward to touch my lips to his nose. "Yeah."

"Does it hurt?"

Swallowing, I shook my head. "Not really, no…"

"D'you think I can move?"

Smiling slightly, I nodded again. His hands came to my hips, and he slowly lifted me. The pain that wracked my body at that moment was more than the actual penetration, and I winced visibly. I felt him hesitate, and then he lifted his hips to press back into me. Another wave of pleasure engulfed me and I moaned softly at the contrast of emotions enveloping my body.

The sultriness of the air in the bedroom was almost suffocating me, and I felt a bead of sweat trickle down my back as I met his eyes again, holding his gaze as he slowly moved in and out of my body. Used to the feeling now and actually receiving some pleasure from it, I whimpered softly; wordlessly. He pulled me back down on his thick cock again and I whispered his name.

"… Renji…"

Instead of pulling me up, he simply pressed his hips up into mine, creating delicious friction that made us both utter noises of pleasure. Remembering my original goal, I whispered his name again, pressing my hand to his inked chest to draw his attention.

"Renji…"

He paused, hands resting on my hips. "Huh…?"

Meeting his brown gaze with chocolate eyes, I whispered, "Can we do this another way? I want more…" His smirk made me blush.

"Are you flexible?"

Blinking, I nodded, biting my lip as he lifted me from his length. The feeling of emptiness was even more apparent now, and I grew impatient as he contemplated what to do.

"Lie on your back."

Crawling back on the bed to lie my head properly on the pillow, I looked up at him as he came over me, his hair cascading down to tickle my shoulders and cheeks like a waterfall of crimson. His hands came to my thighs and lifted them up, and I gripped the sheets to balance myself as he tested my flexibility, pushing my thighs flush to my chest.

"Goddamn…" he muttered, leaning down to kiss me. "Put your legs over my shoulders."

Obeying him, I allowed my calves to rest on his sturdy shoulders as I felt his length lingering near my entrance again. In one swift movement, he filled me again, and I arched with a soft moan. My hands came up to grip his shoulders as he pulled out, thrusting sharply back in.

The friction was painfully pleasurable. My lips parted to breathe as his cock stroked deep inside of me in a rhythmic fashion, reaching much further and moving much faster than before. My toes curled as I dug my nails into his shoulder blades.

"Renji…"

"Damn, you're tight…"

"… Renji…!"

We became a tangled mess of sweaty limbs as he began to lose his rhythm, thrusting sharply and a bit out of sync, but the inconsistency only added to the lust bubbling inside of my being, because I knew I was driving him so crazy that he couldn't concentrate properly. His hands wrapped around my ankles, pushing my legs up farther as he thrusted deeper inside of me, moving faster. He shifted slightly and thrusted back in, and in a sudden burst of white, I heard myself utter a loud moan of pleasure.

"Yeah… There it is…" he growled against my neck. His teeth marked me as he thrusted hard into that spot again, and my head spun at the intense ecstasy as he impaled me over and over again, aiming for that sensitive bundle of nerves.

"Renji…!"

Reaching between our bodies to touch myself, the sheer electric shock of the combined pleasures pushed me to my limits, and I felt myself falling over the edge after only three simultaneous strokes with his thrusts. My back arched impossibly as I gripped his shoulder with my other hand, muffling my initial scream and following moans in the crook of his neck. A groan vibrated through his chest as he thrusted harder, moving within the tight, convulsing muscles until he could no longer hold himself back either. He gripped my hips tightly as I felt his body go slightly rigid, and I felt his hot seed fill me as his hips twitched and he rode out his orgasm.

My mind swam, and I struggled to concentrate on what was happening around me. I felt him let my legs down gently as he slipped out of me, and I winced at the slight sting. Suddenly aware that he might leave, my eyes opened wide and I turned to wrap my arms around the larger man's neck.

"Renji…"

I felt him chuckle softly against my hair, and his arms came around my waist.

"Don't worry love, I'm not going anywhere."

His affectionate pet name brought a weary smile to my lips as he lay down with me, pulling the blankets over us to cover our naked and sated bodies. We were a mess, but I couldn't be bothered with a shower now. Curling into his body, I rested my head on his shoulder and allowed my eyes to slip shut.

"Love you, Ichi."

Tears welled in my eyes at his confession. He had always told me he struggled with the two affectionate words; they just weren't naturally part of his vocabulary. Hearing him say them to me meant the world.

"I love you too…"

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People say that every person has one soulmate. I don't know if I believe that, but I know Renji's something special. He's one of those people that you find and you fall for them whether you want to or not. Once you've got them, all you can do is hope and pray that you never lose them, and that they'll always love you as much as you love them. Renji's the reason why I wake up in the morning, and have the strength to get through the day.

He's the only reason I'm breathing.

And he suffocates me.

But I love it.


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